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[darkov]

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latest status update 3/6/2018

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[girlybruiser]

It's alright.

[ She giggles softly. ]

Anyway, I appreciate the offer, but I would hate to disturb you on your vacation. You should enjoy it.

[darkov]

...

[he's quiet for a beat.]

I don't know if I should...come back. [...] I...I guess I will, if Rex or Andy say to. But...

I don't know. Never mind.

[girlybruiser]

[ There's another pause, but it's shorter this time. ]

... pardon me?

[ If she's understanding correctly, Martin is planning to stay at the resort permanently?? ]

I am not sure you can stay forever. I think. It's a lot of money to stay at places like that.

[darkov]

[he goes quiet for a longer beat, feeling a coldness in him. he...shouldn't have said that. it's too close to the worst of his thinking, and she doesn't need to hear that.

softer, murmuring:] Sorry, never mind.

[girlybruiser]

Why are you apologizing?

[ It's not quite frustrating yet, no she's not at that point, but she can't comprehend it. She doesn't understand why he feels the need to apologize over and over for such trivial things.

Is it her tone? Is it something she's saying? Haru feels she's doing both wrong and upsetting. ]

What did I say?

[darkov]

[a slow exhale.]

You didn't say anything wrong. You're nice. It's fine. I'm the one thinking bothersome things.

[girlybruiser]

... do you want to talk about it?

[darkov]

[his stomach knots some more.]

I don't think...that's a good idea. Sorry. If--if you already worry, then you'll just worry more.

I don't like that.

[girlybruiser]

[ Haru has to consider her words carefully. She could push him to open up, but that wouldn't be on his own terms in the end and he would still feel uncomfortable. Patience is the key here. ]

... alright. I won't force you to.

[ Her voice is calm, empathetic. ]

Whenever you would feel comfortable talking about it, I'll gladly listen.

[darkov]

That--

[beat.

exhale.]

That's...kind of you. You don't have to. I don't like... making everyone sad. But I always seem to.

[girlybruiser]

You don't make me sad.

[ Well, not directly. ]

You can think about it if you would like. You don't need to have an answer right away.

[darkov]

...

[he won't. he can't. he'd be too ashamed to. he can't pay back kindnesses in turn, simply because of what a mess he always seems to make. it's why he'd been glancing back outside to the wilderness now and then, wondering if he ought to just walk and keep walking until he couldn't find his way back.

it's stupid, he knows. but it doesn't mean he doesn't still think on it.

...which would bother Rex. Andy. everyone. there's really no winning, is there?

it takes a while before he pipes up:]

...Haru? [is she even still there?]

[girlybruiser]

[ When she doesn't hear back from Martin, Haru assumes the conversation is over. She's about to hit the end call button when she hears his quiet voice. It catches her in the nick of time, but she nearly drops her device as a result. ]

Ah... yes?

[darkov]

Umh...

[a beat.]

You said...I remind you of...you? Right?

[he doesn't remember their entire conversation -- a lot of it being a big blur of anxiety -- but he remembers something to that effect.]

[girlybruiser]

Yes, a little bit.

[ The lack of self-assurance, the feeling that you were more of a burden if not a pawn. ]

The me from long ago.

[darkov]

How come...?

[girlybruiser]

[ She pauses.

Then calmly: ]

It was something both you and the other you said. You told me you were a weapon... the other you told me you were not supposed to "bother" people at all.

[ A faintly amused chuckle. ]

I was not a weapon, but I was a puppet for someone. I was also told not to be bothersome to others. I was simply to be useful.

[darkov]

...

[he mulls on that quietly for a bit.]

Useful for what?

[girlybruiser]

... people would use me to gain favor with my father. My own father was blinded by his greed and nearly forced me into a political marriage that would benefit him only.

[darkov]

[humans are supposed to be able to do anything they want. a lot of what Martin's learned here flies in the face of that teaching; some of these things have been harder to reconcile with than others.

this one is just...strange.]

...Is that common with humans?

[girlybruiser]

[ Hang on, is he not a human himself? She had thought when he said "weapon" he was only being metaphorical, not literal. ]

Sometimes... humans can be selfish. Adults do cruel things and abuse those without power, but there are a lot of good humans, too. Not all are bad or willing to do such things.

[darkov]

...

[like Darkovs.

it's weird, but...he supposes that makes sense. humans make Darkovs...why wouldn't they try and act like them? to be better?

still...the thought of a human just being...bad... even now it's hard to swallow. there has to be something he's done wrong, not them, to encounter a bad egg. but...Haru wouldn't lie, either. so it's tough to say.]

Sorry.

[girlybruiser]

What are you apologizing for?

[darkov]

[a muffled sound.]

I don't know.

For...talking about unpleasant things, I guess.

[girlybruiser]

It's okay. I'm not offended.

[ She's tougher than she looks. ]

To be honest, I'm probably the one talking about unpleasant things, saying things such as "you remind me of me"...