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[darkov]

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latest status update 3/6/2018

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[darkov]

[breathless, Martin stays silent while a dozen-plus different feelings and thoughts hit him all at once like a locomotive. some of it plays on his expression, with the way his face colors and his eyes dart away out of fear and confusion. it takes a while to break through the buzz to get to some proper stream of thought.

how did things come to this? why -- why would something like this have to happen? whose fault is it? how is he supposed to know or, or even react?

why? because she asked. he said that.

but why? because she was on the brink of something awful and uncontrollable, beyond what Martin can understand or imagine alone.

...why?

slowly, Martin hunches forward, feeling nauseous and heavy, bringing his hands to his face to prop his head up, curling fingers tightly into his hair. the slow increase of pressure is as close as he can get to being able to yank out all of these terrible things, futile though it is. he doesn't know what else to do with them, and certainly doesn't want to feel them.

worse: his feeble imagination piecing together the image of Rex having to kill Cassandra. with what he knows of killing, it's nothing short of gruesome.]

[ct_7567]

[ Rex should... he should do something. Take Martin's hands out of his hair. Put his hands on his shoulders, or on his knees. Say something. Ground him. But he finds himself frozen in place. It wasn't so long ago that he had kneeled over Cassandra's lifeless body, not so long ago that he'd filled out the paperwork of her demise, not so long ago that he'd felt his finger squeeze the trigger that ended it all - and through his continued mantra I had to do it, she would have wanted me to, he has his doubts. Woden deserved death. They could have done something. They could have saved her. Perhaps that's what Martin's thinking now. And if he is, there's a chance that he's right.

Rex is supposed to have all the answers for someone like Martin, but they were never meant to deal with this. He opens his mouth and shuts it again, privately grateful he'd never mentioned Andy, knowing that Martin needs at least one rock in the wake of all this.

What can you say to comfort someone when there's no comfort to be had? This, too, is the same as before. He'd turned heel and went into his office. He had filled out the paperwork. He had done what needed to be done. And that meant disappearing from those who needed him most.

He can't do that to Martin too, no matter what's going through his head. ]

Martin -- [ Unseen to Martin, he reaches a hand out, then retracts it, thinking better of it. Voice hoarse, he says, ] She's not suffering any longer.

[darkov]

[really, this all makes sense in a rotten, twisted way. it's like Danger had said: a self-fulfilling prophecy. Martin still spends so much time dreading the worst of things -- even things he can't properly imagine -- that...it happens.

it was bound to happen. Cass had said as much, herself.

...but not like this.

there was nothing Martin could do to fix it, because all Martin does is believe in inevitable tragedy. despite all the desperate hoping against it...somehow, he just knows. it's just...what was bound to happen.

but why like this? how many people he cares about have to hurt before it's enough?


it's a while before he withdraws his hands, lifting his head with a weary, bleak expression, eyes forward and fixed on nothing.]

...I'm tired. May I be excused.

[ct_7567]

[ Rex isn't sure what he expected. Something like this, he thinks. It seems untoward to press Martin for his feelings and thoughts now of all times. If he wants his space, he should be granted that, even if all Rex wants to do is shake the lad, tell him to simply let him know what he's thinking now so that he can at least deal with it instead of lingering in the wondering. There are others, professionals when it comes to childrearing, who would probably say differently. To comfort him in some way, to provide some words of solace. Rex has none.

No matter. He was to do the same thing no matter how this talk of theirs went. After all, there's still much to do. No use in shirking his responsibilities, no matter the dread in his gut. ]

...yes. Yes, you may. [ To say he knows where Andy is if he needs her seems pointless. The same goes for any number of others who are looking out for Martin that he may call.

So he doesn't. Martin can figure that out himself. ]