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[darkov]

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latest status update 3/6/2018

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[darkov]

I'm not really hungry, Archie...

[he says it guiltily, still hanging onto that glass of water, but not doing much else with it. his eyes do wince when he hears Mightyena breathe out a little whine.]

[h2no]

[he doesn't move at all, doesn't move to pick up the crackers or the cheese.]

When did you last eat? [it's asked with concern.]

[darkov]

[he moves one hand to scratch idly at the side of his head.]

I dunno. Oatmeal... I think.

[h2no]

Martin... [he says, nudging him again.] When, not what.

[darkov]

[he ducks his head as he wobbles under the nudge.]

Sorry...I don't remember.

[h2no]

That's what I mean.

[he leans forward, taking one.]

You want some of this cheese on it?

[darkov]

That-that's fine...

[he's not going to put up much of a fight, absent appetite or otherwise. he just isn't going to look terribly excited about it either, hanging onto the cracker that's offered for a while before bothering to have a bite.]

[h2no]

[he goes for goat's cheese, something that's quite mild and should compliment the relative saltiness of the cracker. takes a little white lump on the small knife and puts it on for martin, holding it out.]

This one came from a goat!

[darkov]

[murmuring between bites:] I didn't know there were goats here...

[h2no]

They're called Gogoats back home. They can help plants grow.

[which probably makes no sense to martin right now; archie would ordinarily ask him how the food tastes, but he expects martin isn't tasting it. he knows how this goes-- he's been there himself.]

Do you want more water?

[darkov]

There's still some.

[and that'd require more moving. despite his abject misery, Archie is a very sturdy presence when he's near -- warm and large and imposing in better ways. it contrasts the cold he feels inside in a way that reminds his heart to ache again, and his eyes start to well up as he finishes eating the cracker.]

[h2no]

Okay.

[he doesn't say anything else when he sees martin's eyes welling up. just pulls him in a little closer again, resting his hand on his head. mussing his fingers in the hair lightly.]

[darkov]

[Martin's head sags and then slumps against Archie as he gulps, a pathetic sound escaping his nose. it takes several more gulps and several more breaths before he's steadied himself enough to say anything at all.]

I don't want...to feel anymore.

[h2no]

[all he can really do is gently pat martin's hair through it, holding him until he's ready to talk and breathe normally again. he wishes he could do more, but short of bringing cass back... he can't.

when martin speaks up, archie exhales slightly.] I... get that.

Sometimes it's overwhelming to think of all the people I've lost here-- the ones that I cared so deeply about. My family that've gone and haven't come back. It feels like it hurts more than it's worth. Like... maybe I'd be better off havin' not met them at all.

[he shrugs, humming.]

But... if I couldn't feel the bad stuff, I couldn't feel the good either, right? No matter what happens, Andy and Rex love you very, very much. You want to be able to feel that.

[darkov]

Yes...

[it's weak, but a yes nonetheless. of course yes -- of course Martin wants to feel cared for and safe, even if it means hurting now. it doesn't make him feel much better, that truth, not right now. in fact, it makes him feel guilty for having said what he said at all -- as if he were lying.]

I didn't mean that...I'm sorry.

[h2no]

It's alright. You can say it if you want.

[he exhales. at least martin isn't rejecting the concept of being loved at all, like he did once before.]

I've said it before as well. I've said it and I've meant it many, many times. When it hurts like this... you either go inside yourself or explode outwards.

[darkov]

I don't want to explode...

[it's a very visceral image, one with too many reference visuals from life lived. he's never felt much good from the kind of exploding Archie means to reference -- the shouting, the lashing out. he's done that before, a few times. he hates that, and he remembers the looks on the faces of those he's done it to.]

[h2no]

No-one does. [he assumes martin knows he means figuratively, though honestly a lot of the time it feels literal, too.

exhaling, he looks around to look at martin properly.] But-- that doesn't mean you gotta hide everythin', alright? If it comes out, it comes out. Saying things in grief or under pressure... it's not the same as trying to hurt someone just because. We all do things like that. So, ah, I guess I'm tryin' to say I'm not-- angry or anythin' you said you don't wanna feel anythin'. I get it.

[darkov]

[it's hard to ever feel so utterly secure in being allowed to feel negative things. rarely are they good! otherwise, they wouldn't be negative, would they?

but Archie's repeatedly presented himself as nothing but gracious and safe, even when Martin's very aware he needn't be. perhaps oughtn't, even. one of the rare constants, broken only by that brief, unintentional betrayal of trust when he declared he'd not be coming back. it's hard to really patch up a safety net already being stretched and strained by overuse, and whose edges are fraying at the ends themselves...but still Archie remains, gaps be damned.

aware of this on a shallower level, Martin gulps again, relaxing a little.]

Just. Just don't...go for a while. If that's...alright, if that's. I mean, as long as it's...fine, I mean.

[h2no]

[ironically, him almost leaving that one time only strengthened his resolve to stay, when he had the sense back in his head to consider such a line of action. he's motivated to not hurt martin again, motivated to not let his fear and hatred overwhelm him to the point where he finally does try to cut and run the way he's wanted to and tried to multiple times before. it made him realise that despite his misery... what he has, he doesn't want to lose by choice.

he keeps his arm around martin, a strong presence.]

Of course it's fine. Anytime you want or need me here, I'll come stay with you. You can relax now, maybe sleep, if you'd like. We can try more of those cheeses later.