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[darkov]

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latest status update 3/6/2018

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[h2no]

[all he can really do is gently pat martin's hair through it, holding him until he's ready to talk and breathe normally again. he wishes he could do more, but short of bringing cass back... he can't.

when martin speaks up, archie exhales slightly.] I... get that.

Sometimes it's overwhelming to think of all the people I've lost here-- the ones that I cared so deeply about. My family that've gone and haven't come back. It feels like it hurts more than it's worth. Like... maybe I'd be better off havin' not met them at all.

[he shrugs, humming.]

But... if I couldn't feel the bad stuff, I couldn't feel the good either, right? No matter what happens, Andy and Rex love you very, very much. You want to be able to feel that.

[darkov]

Yes...

[it's weak, but a yes nonetheless. of course yes -- of course Martin wants to feel cared for and safe, even if it means hurting now. it doesn't make him feel much better, that truth, not right now. in fact, it makes him feel guilty for having said what he said at all -- as if he were lying.]

I didn't mean that...I'm sorry.

[h2no]

It's alright. You can say it if you want.

[he exhales. at least martin isn't rejecting the concept of being loved at all, like he did once before.]

I've said it before as well. I've said it and I've meant it many, many times. When it hurts like this... you either go inside yourself or explode outwards.

[darkov]

I don't want to explode...

[it's a very visceral image, one with too many reference visuals from life lived. he's never felt much good from the kind of exploding Archie means to reference -- the shouting, the lashing out. he's done that before, a few times. he hates that, and he remembers the looks on the faces of those he's done it to.]

[h2no]

No-one does. [he assumes martin knows he means figuratively, though honestly a lot of the time it feels literal, too.

exhaling, he looks around to look at martin properly.] But-- that doesn't mean you gotta hide everythin', alright? If it comes out, it comes out. Saying things in grief or under pressure... it's not the same as trying to hurt someone just because. We all do things like that. So, ah, I guess I'm tryin' to say I'm not-- angry or anythin' you said you don't wanna feel anythin'. I get it.

[darkov]

[it's hard to ever feel so utterly secure in being allowed to feel negative things. rarely are they good! otherwise, they wouldn't be negative, would they?

but Archie's repeatedly presented himself as nothing but gracious and safe, even when Martin's very aware he needn't be. perhaps oughtn't, even. one of the rare constants, broken only by that brief, unintentional betrayal of trust when he declared he'd not be coming back. it's hard to really patch up a safety net already being stretched and strained by overuse, and whose edges are fraying at the ends themselves...but still Archie remains, gaps be damned.

aware of this on a shallower level, Martin gulps again, relaxing a little.]

Just. Just don't...go for a while. If that's...alright, if that's. I mean, as long as it's...fine, I mean.

[h2no]

[ironically, him almost leaving that one time only strengthened his resolve to stay, when he had the sense back in his head to consider such a line of action. he's motivated to not hurt martin again, motivated to not let his fear and hatred overwhelm him to the point where he finally does try to cut and run the way he's wanted to and tried to multiple times before. it made him realise that despite his misery... what he has, he doesn't want to lose by choice.

he keeps his arm around martin, a strong presence.]

Of course it's fine. Anytime you want or need me here, I'll come stay with you. You can relax now, maybe sleep, if you'd like. We can try more of those cheeses later.