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[darkov]

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latest status update 3/6/2018

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[killtime]

[ She's not the right person for this conversation, she's sure of it. Hell, it's not like she even remembers what it's like to have parents anymore. She can't even remember their faces. It was too long ago. Another lifetime. What does she know about fathers? She hasn't even talked to Rex about this — another thing they've left unspoken, as is their way. ]

It might be weird. [ She can't guarantee that it wouldn't be, and she's not in the habit of sugar-coating, not even with Martin. ] But we're already in this together, trying to figure out how to be a family. Or even figuring out what it fucking means for us.

[ She pauses. Funny how she speaks a hundred languages but struggles to find the words to talk about this. ]

Rex isn't the father you had back home. It's okay, if you want to think of him as your dad. It doesn't mean the same thing will happen again.

[darkov]

[Martin frowns deeply. he's not sure he's glad or worried that Andy can pick up on his concerns with so little spoken now. it has to be for the better, surely, but...knowing all those bad things are known and even felt outside of himself is...strange. strange to consider.

it must be how Rex would think this sort of talk is strange, right?

he exhales through his nose.]

It doesn't...mean the same thing. Here. As it did in compound...

It's different here.

[killtime]

Yeah.

[ And maybe she hasn't asked so many questions as the others have about Martin's past but... She remembers the dream. And she remembers being there, at the compound, when it was here in this dimension. She remembers what they talked about. And it is different, what he has with her and Rex. She's determined to make sure of it. ]

You can make it mean something new.

[darkov]

[that's a daunting suggestion. dictating words and terms for other people, especially ones who mean the world to him?]

I think...I mean...only if that's what he wants. Too. I mean. It'd be bad to just...say it...

[killtime]

[ She couldn't honestly say that she knows how Rex would feel or what he might want. But she knows that it was Rex who came to her about adopting Martin. She knows that he loves Martin just as much as she does, in a way that's enduring and real. And she's seen them together countless times — looking, to her eye, as much like a father and son as any.

Maybe the words they use don't matter so much. They're not your typical family, even if they've found some semblance of normalcy in this place — but maybe there's some value in validating it all, somehow. Just like when they signed those adoption papers. It hadn't changed their day to day ritual much. But there was some kind of reaffirmation. Of how important they are to each other. Some tangible proof of it all. And that isn't insignificant.

Finally, with a little exhale: ]

Well. We don't have to do anything today. [ Honestly, it might be a relief not to. ] But you could ask him. It wouldn't be wrong to ask.

[darkov]

[it's a relief to be absolved of immediate action, but the anxiety of having to press the topic at all will linger well after this. he doesn't know how it could all go wrong, just that, somehow, if there was a way to make it bad? he'd find a way.

in an exhale:] Ye-yes...I mean, I guess so.

[killtime]

[ In a way, maybe it's a relief for her too. She's fumbling her way along with this, blind leading the blind. It's been so long, since she had a family like this. So long that she can hardly even remember it anymore. Mostly she remembers that it was good for a long time — and then it was gone, and it hurt.

It's easier not to think about it. And it's a bit of hypocrisy too — her, telling Martin to define things when she's refused to, time and time again. ]

Okay. [ She glances at him, reaching out to give his knee a little squeeze. ] I'm trying to figure this shit out too, kiddo, same as you.

[darkov]

[he frowns down at her hand, comforted but still troubled. now he has the anxiety of anticipation and speculation to deal with.]

I guess, but. I don't...want to mess anything up accidentally.

[killtime]

You won't.

[ She looks up at him from her spot on the ground, tilting her head to meet his eyes so he can see that she's sincere. ]

Rex loves you. Whatever the answer to this question is, that isn't going to change. [ Then, with a twinge of wryness: ] I've said plenty of awful things to him, fucked up more than once too — and he still lets me hang around.

[darkov]

[Martin's face grows red, feeling a swell and ache in his chest. it's...so good and...scary to be loved. it's scary to hear it so often -- as if having to be reminded is some show of how poorly he accepts it.

sometimes people just need to hear it, though. it's not abnormal. it's...frankly, something most normal than anything else.

he exhales slowly, rubbing at the side of his face.]

Y...You're right. Sorry. I'll...I'll ask.